I thought love is there in relationships. In three relationships? I was so wrong all the way!
We say that teenage is a very important phase of life since it progresses changes unfold, both psychologically and physically. When I was growing in my teens, I had a lot of dislikes for situations I used to face. The feeling of ‘no one understands me’ was daunting. I was so disappointed with almost all the situations that life became frustrated and meaningless for me.
When going through such mental turmoil, a different world unfolded in my life. I did not see it coming. But with all the materials I got to access, it has bought me where I am today. On the other side of heartbreak, attachment. Unknowingly, I began my journey towards fulfilling the real purpose for which I had come for, I realized. No, I am still not detached from people. But at least, I know the mechanics of life and relationships.
It all started when…
I fell in love with Rohit in my school days. We were in 9th grade, gradually became friends, and expressed our affection for each other in a matter of a few months. I felt he is the person who understands me. We made commitments and entered a relationship, and as you can already feel, it was a beautiful feeling of being in love with him, that too at a time when I was pondering on the meaning of life. I felt so complete.
After one year I had to leave my school and shift to another school for family convenience. I left with a lot of pain in my heart. Rohit remained in the same school.
After leaving school, keeping in touch over the phone was like air for me to breathe in. After two-three months, calls from Rohit started to recede. I accepted this phase as I thought that there must be some reason at his end, for which he is being unable to reach me, and that he would definitely call me up conveniently.
One day I heard from our common friend that he doesn’t want to continue the relationship. I was shattered. I went to meet him and asked for the reason, he said, “I am not just feeling like to continue, and there’s no other reason.” Despite as if a thousand thunder stuck my heart, I hesitated to ask anything further and left the place. A gnawing cave of empty-feeling was waiting for me. The feeling of ‘being alone,’ of ‘being unloved.’ He shattered me.
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My father, until he was alive, used to be my mentor. I told him the gathered strength after discussing it with him. Father said, “God has arranged everything for you. So, don’t worry. Have patience and faith in Him.” I also remember what he told me quite often that ‘whatever happens, happens for the good.’
Gradually I overcame the emptiness from Rohit. After about one year, I met Raunak who was introduced to me by one of my friends. We both got attracted to each other. I found him to be very respectful in his words and actions, and this got me more attracted to him. I was in love again.
Everything was going smoothly, when suddenly, one day he called me and told me, “please don’t expect anything from me as I have felt that you are my good friend and I don’t feel the same as before for you anymore. I can’t continue this relationship.”
I felt he was joking, initially. How could this happen? But gradually my nightmare was becoming a reality. As if one breakup was not enough. With a big lump in my throat, I asked him, “Are you sure? Is this the only reason?” He said, “Yes!” I couldn’t speak any longer and disconnected the call.
For a few days, I cried and was unable to accept. I thought that someday he might come to me and tell me the reason. The thought came to me: “How is it possible? If he has loved me before then how can feelings fade away suddenly? Is this love? Then what is the meaning of love? An ocean of questions waving up and down inside me.
In my daily life, I would try to do things normally way and act as if nothing happened. But then again, I was doing stuff on a superficial level. I was not in my present moment. Desperate to tear myself from that phase I went to my father.
The counselling had been very gratifying. As much I can remember, he told me:
Father: It’s natural to go through pain in the beginning, but then you need to move on by learning from the experiences.
Me: But what will I learn?
Father: Suppose, if you are in pain then at first you need to ask yourself why you are in pain. If you find the answer then let me know. It can be because you don’t want to be left alone. You let me know your feeling.
Me: Yes! I have a fear of being left alone and losing the person whom I love.
Father: Let me tell you about the great poet, Rabindranath Tagore. The poet lost his son, his wife, his daughter gradually but he has never left writing.
We can see through his prose and poem that there was a revelation in him about The Infinite; The Power which loves us and wants us to learn, and if everything is very smooth then how can we learn?
If there is no darkness then how can we value the essence of light?”
The session was too good for me. Parents tend to have the capacity like God; to touch you with words and actions, that can embalm all your pain. After listening with all my heart, all I did was to thank God in silence. I realized God had sent both Rohit and Raunak to make me realize the joy of overcoming the mundane, and strive for a higher purpose, and my father was the medium to help me to get the insight.
However, after a few months, I got into another relationship, it was Nilesh. This time, I was all buckled up, with two -not one – but two breakups from the past. This time, I thought can I apply all that I have learned from my past experiences. I prayed to God: “Give me the power to accept whatever comes in my way!” See, I was still afraid, deep down.
I was given to know that this boy loves me as I heard from my friends about his affection for me. But, by this time I had a feeling that ‘nothing is permanent.’ After all, why not?
As a manifestation of my belief, this boy too went away without any notice. I only heard one of his friends telling me that he doesn’t want to continue. I asked for the reason. But his friend told me that he just doesn’t want to continue and will never contact again. Rohit, Rounak, Nilesh, what was wrong with the boys? They all, without notice, would leave me?
This time I vowed to myself that I will not break down and a kind of determination forced me to now sit and find out what is life all about ultimately. Why this desperate trial to have someone’s company? Why this insecurity? Why do we seek out someone constantly? And even when we feel we’ve found The One, the next moment the person is anonymous and we’re again torn to bits. I realized the same ‘bits’ are the reason we seek to make ourselves whole, not realizing, someone else just doesn’t have the power to do so.
I recollected all my relationships from the past and asked myself, Why everyone leaves without giving me any reason? Is there any problem with me? I started to contemplate. One thing surfaced for sure: whenever I have been attached to something, that particular thing is always taken away from me. Is God trying to give me any message?
The stale pages
I always had an urge to listen to the ancient wisdom, the urge that also I got from my father, and tried to heed what they said.
When I was seeking my answers deep inside my heart, one day I stumbled on something that Sakyamuni Buddha said, “To be free from sufferings free from attachments.” This was it. I just needed to hear this as a confirmation. As if my soul already knew the answers.
I looked back at the many incidents that happened with me and felt that they were all God’s arrangements to free myself. To realize the beauty of getting free from the thought of attachment. I like to call it on the other end of the shore, away from the emotional baggage. Away from the pain of holding grudges. Away from all the time I feared losing.
A realization evolved inside me about the impermanence of all that I see around. People, relationships, attachments, our pride, and pleasure. Through the learning, I could feel the existence of the temporary things in life, that are given as a device to reach the next level of growth; to contemplate and set goals of life. Goals that will help accomplish a higher purpose; transform our thoughts and be grateful for everything in life.
After two or three years, I met Raunak, and then after five years, I met Rohit. I could talk to them eye-to-eye. Yes, they were the same Rounak and Rohit, who once made me feel like a piece of trash. But amazing is Life’s mercy, that this time when I recollected the past I didn’t have any pain in my heart. No question of confrontation. My heart whispered with a ‘Thank You’ instead.
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